lorna. 28. she/her. pretend adult, lover of words and occasional writer of them.
feels like I’m closer to a revelation every night
She sees me.
Like Eddie didn’t? Like Eddie didn’t know Buck better than anyone - better than he knew himself, sometimes? Eddie sees him for exactly who he is – kind, and caring, and wonderful, and fundamentally changed by those three minutes and seventeen seconds he was dead.
- or, a look inside of Eddie’s head during their conversation at the cemetary.
She sees me.
The words ring so loudly in Eddie’s head it makes his head spin. He – listen, he could understand, why Buck found Natalia so interesting. Objectively, of course – Eddie didn’t process his own near-death experience by getting close to a death doula, but they all had their ways of processing, and he could understand why this was Buck’s. When you almost die – whatever accident or injury brings you to that point – you start to see the world differently, and more than anything, you see yourself differently. You’re looking for answers – a reason as to why you got to look death square in the eyes, and walk away, back to the land of the living, when so many others didn’t.
Eddie had his own way of processing – as much as he was aware he didn’t process any of it for a long time. He’d spent long mornings sitting by Shannon’s grave, talking to her, lamenting God, and Jesus, and everyone in between, asking why he’d gotten to walk away from more than one near death experience when Shannon had been taken the way she had.
There’s no reason for it.
That’s what Frank said, that’s what his abuela said, that’s what Eddie was trying his best to believe: life, and death, were out of your control, and maybe it brought people comfort to think there was some sort of benevolent God who decided who lived, and died, and that there was a reason for it: but there wasn’t. It was luck, bad and good, and accepting that there was no grandiose reason for your survival is part of recovering.
You lived because you lived.
Then –
Then you just have to figure out how to go on living.
That was the hardest part.
The point was –
Eddie understood Buck’s headspace. He was on the great pursuit of why – why me, why did I survive, why am I still here living when for three minutes and seventeen sentences I was clinically dead – and Eddie didn’t blame him for trying to find the why.
There just wasn’t one.
She sees me.
The why wasn’t going to be Natalia, either. Eddie didn’t mean that in a jealous, or bitchy way: no, no, he was just being sensible.
(And maybe a little bitchy, too – could you blame him?)
She sees me.
Like Eddie didn’t?
Eddie – well, he didn’t want to make Buck’s temporary death and existential crisis entirely about himself, but it couldn’t be helped, in this instance.
She sees me – as if it’s a revelation for someone to see Evan Buckley for who he really was.
Eddie saw him.
nicholas galitzine is putting UNFAIR amounts of charm into the role of henry his little private/nervous smiles?? his BIG infatuated smiles??? and how he’s making me want to fight people just by seeing his little teary eyes in a 2-second clip in the middle of a trailer??? alex claremont-diaz never stood a motherfucking chance
Alright. Is there really a Better stove in the Gas Stove vs Electric Stove debates?
Yes — It’s Gas
Yes — It’s Electric
No — I use Gas
No — I use Electric
Secret Fifth Option (tags)
It’s Complicated (also tags)
What the Fuck are you people talking about
@huglogloss We’re FREAKING OUT over this movie, and here’s an exclusive and wonderful shot of Alex (Taylor Zakhar Perez) and Henry (Nicholas Galitzine) after hooking up for the first time! In “Red, White and Blue Blood”, one is the British prince and the other, the son of the US president. They hate each other, but soon a climate will paint! Who never? 🤣 The adaptation of the eponymous bestseller premieres this Friday (11) on Prime Video! WE WANT IT!